This was a rambling note to myself-and indirectly to you, my readers-I wrote in my bullet journal, having been socially isolated, mocked, etc.This was my response, something I found really hard to articulate, edited and added to. And I wanted to share it with you.
Here’s a wish of mine; yes, I know that you’ll perceive it to be selfish. Will you just oblige me, though? Read what I have to, need to, say. Right to the very end. That way, you’ll be able to understand what I have to say.
I wish to spend the day in a neuro-typical body. As in, a body without Autism, ASD, Aspergers Syndrome-whatever you wish to call it.
You’ll read that with either of two reactions-“gosh, that’s tragic!”, or “Why would you ever do that?!” Anyway, that’s how I imagine you, my lovely readers. Because if I was you, I would think the exact same thing. Besides, all the other posts I’ve written are all fairly positive-because I need to be, otherwise I’d be very unhappy. What I have to say may be a bit of shock.
Having Aspergers has, at times, been incredibly hard for me. I haven’t always gotten the help I needed; the so called ‘bliss’ of ignorance of other people has lead to conflict. Because communication and understanding is still an issue. Aspergers as well as Autism is not as understood as it could be, despite the fact that I have to explain my condition over and over again, to the same people. And it’s upsetting. Maddening, even.
My wish is to inhabit a body without ASD; just so I can see how it’s like for them. A day without Aspergers.
Being an ‘Aspie’ is bloody hard. And at various points it has meant that I haven’t liked myself very much; the curly haired geek with her nose always in a book, the Queen (band) enthusiast, the teacher’s pet, the stark raving bitch who betrayed another person’s trust, the quiet one, or the person who never knew what to say. Whatever guise was required dependent on the situation never worked. And I’m tired of trying to make it work.
To me, somebody neuro-typical has all that I could wish for: the ability to make and keep friends, the more widely accepted form of empathy, problem solving skills, and the understanding of social settings and classrooms, as well as so much more. I would not have a problem with communication, being lonely or isolated, They do not have to try and try again; they have all of these innate abilities.
But I do not deplore them; rather, I am envious. And at low point? Jealous. I would love to see how it feels.
Of all things, I am tired of the perception that ASD is ‘easy’, or that I must be ‘faking’; I am sick and tired of being told to ashamed, that I am not worth the while to even talk to. And all because of being on Spectrum!
I’d love to see inside your world, just for the day. Because I am tired of feeling defeated at the end of the day,.