A wish of mine that will never come true.

This was a rambling note to myself-and indirectly to you, my readers-I wrote in my bullet journal, having been socially isolated, mocked, etc.This was my response, something I found really hard to articulate, edited and added to.  And I wanted to share it with you. 

Here’s a wish of mine; yes, I know that you’ll perceive it to be selfish. Will you just oblige me, though? Read what I have to, need to, say. Right to the very end. That way, you’ll be able to understand what I have to say.

I wish to spend the day in a neuro-typical body. As in, a body without Autism, ASD, Aspergers Syndrome-whatever you wish to call it.

You’ll read that with either of two reactions-“gosh, that’s tragic!”, or “Why would you ever do that?!” Anyway, that’s how I imagine you, my lovely readers. Because if I was you, I would think the exact same thing. Besides, all the other posts I’ve written are all fairly positive-because I need to be, otherwise I’d be very unhappy. What I have to say may be a bit of shock.

Having Aspergers has, at times, been incredibly hard for me. I haven’t always gotten the help I needed; the so called ‘bliss’ of ignorance of other people has lead to conflict. Because communication and understanding is still an issue. Aspergers as well as Autism is not as understood as it could be, despite the fact that I have to explain my condition over and over again, to the same people. And it’s upsetting. Maddening, even.

My wish is to inhabit a body without ASD; just so I can see how it’s like for them. A day without Aspergers.

Being an ‘Aspie’ is bloody hard. And at various points it has meant that I haven’t liked myself very much; the curly haired geek with her nose always in a book, the Queen (band) enthusiast, the teacher’s pet, the stark raving bitch who betrayed another person’s trust, the quiet one, or the person who never knew what to say. Whatever guise was required dependent on the situation never worked. And I’m tired of trying to make it work.

To me, somebody neuro-typical has all that I could wish for: the ability to make and keep friends, the more widely accepted form of empathy, problem solving skills, and the understanding of social settings and classrooms, as well as so much more. I would not have a problem with communication, being lonely or isolated, They do not have to try and try again; they have all of these innate abilities.

But I do not deplore them; rather, I am envious. And at low point? Jealous. I would love to see how it feels.

Of all things, I am tired of the perception that ASD is ‘easy’, or that I must be ‘faking’; I am sick and tired of being told to ashamed, that I am not worth the while to even talk to. And all because of being on Spectrum!

I’d love to see inside your world, just for the day. Because I am tired of feeling defeated at the end of the day,.

8 thoughts on “A wish of mine that will never come true.

  1. Suma Fiore says:

    I guess I’m in the neuro-typical body that you describe. Yet, most days I feel like I don’t really belong on this planet. Not saying I understand what you go through. I get that feeling of envy in other ways, though. As much as I’d like to tell you and others to just love the body that you’re in…it can be freaking hard. Not going to give any half-baked advice or opinions here. Just going to say hello, and you seem like a cool person.

    Like

    • Mademoiselle says:

      Thank you for saying hello 🙂 you’ve made my day just that little bit more better.. and thank you for not going for the half-baked stuff; I get a lot of that, and it doesn’t work 😁

      Like

  2. Thoroughly Modern Emily says:

    Oh Lydia, I am so sorry always to think of your struggles to get people to just understand where you’re coming from. It’s enough to wish not that you could spend a day in a neurotypical body, but that everyone could spend a day in your shoes, so they’d stop saying such horrible things to you.

    Lots of ❤️❤️ always.

    xx
    Emily

    Like

  3. rebekahgillian says:

    YES! As another autistic person, I completely agree with what you’ve said, but I’ve never had the confidence to admit it to anyone. I love being autistic most of the time, but it’s bloody hard sometimes. I’d love to go through life–even just for a day–without worrying how my disability will make things difficult for me. I’d love not to be exhausted on a daily basis because I’m putting so much energy into masking who I really am to spare everyone else’s feelings. Great post!

    Like

  4. Kathy @ Books & Munches says:

    “Belonging” with the people that have a neuro-typical body, I can still say I totally understand where you’re coming from. Not in the same way, of course, but I’m thinking it isn’t very different from saying “I wish I could be in a skinny body for a day”. [Okay, I realize it’s still a lot different, but I’m hoping you get my point.]
    Wouldn’t it be awesome though, if people could swap bodies once in a while? Wouldn’t it get rid of so many prejudices, so much misunderstanding? I think it would. And it’s a shame that something like that isn’t possible. It would help everyone understand each other better.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s